odd jobs rock and roll

I am currently listening to an awesome Pink Floyd concert -- Animals tour, I assume -- which I'm downloading and burning as soon as I return to the dorm.

I'm also corresponding with many Craig's List-ers in order to procure a room for a visiting scholar from Germany for only the month of January. The catch: Your landlord has to complete a W-9, as the money is coming from a grant and must be properly accounted for and taxed. Since I began this job, it's been a complete disaster -- the original room fell through due to miscommunication (the subletter lied to us and the person whom I replaced dumped this mess in my lap) -- but I think all has been settled thanks to my Greenpoint charm. Really, a guy who's looking more for a long-term arrangement gave me the okay because I hail from the 'Point.

Thank the non-existent god I'll be working here only for January too. I put much care and thought in professional e-mails, which are then replied-to without answering my question! I had an excellent interview at a dermatological journal that needs an editorial/production assistant. The job is really managing editorial, but when I correct them they get confused. Are book and periodical publishing truly different? Eh.

I also have an interview with Harper Collins. Pro: Publisher of Neil Gaiman. Con: Looking for a rotational assistant, so I'll have to wait it out in marketing and publicity until Jennifer Brehl (Gaiman's editor) needs an assistant. Pro: Lunch with copyediting prof! Con: Harper demands to be known as HarperCollinsPublishers, which irks my inner copyeditor to no end as company names are separate from logos.

it's the day after xmas

You know what this means: the Victoria's Secret semi-annual sale's five-dollar underwear.

Truly, a Christmas miracle!

***
Question for William Safire: When did "early bird" specials become "doorbusters?" I really despise the latter term, as it emphasizes the cutthroat competition people will go through to save a few Almighty Dollars. Meanwhile, "early bird" denotes thoughtfulness and sacrifice.

regretting the error

If you think all I do is criticize Weird Pete, you are wrong; I criticize everyone, including high-school publications.

I ask you: How do copyeditors not catch the misspelling of their own names? Were they high school students?


Those poor Stanner Players and their misinformation! Perhaps if the theater received proper lighting -- promised to the Drama Club at the end of the 2004 school year -- their press releases wouldn't be incorrect.

all alone on xmas

FSJ pointed me to this post on Craig's List. I doubt it's real, but I replied anyway (because I randomly write to strangers):

Hi:

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup; it sounds horrible that your ex won't give you the time of day to air grievances. Just wondering, though, had your relationship been on the rocks? It's a little hard to believe you didn't see it coming, but it makes her out to be a little unsound of mind, which is likely too.

I definitely hear you about wanting to lavish on someone. This guy I'm seeing comes from a better-off family, and I believe he's genuine when he says he wants to show me a good time. (And, I admit, balconies are one of the best places to do so!) However, I do think the money that you wish to spend on women who want sign value could be better used to help others. Have you considered donating it? Not only are there a number of institutions that would benefit -- consider your alma mater, a museum, or a conservation effort -- but donations are spiritually rewarding in a way that a good dinner or Coach bag can never be. Moreover, you won't feel like crap when your membership is up, ending your relationship with the organization.

Wishing you the best during the holidays,
PR

PS -- I found your post through FSJ. I hope you're not receiving a terrible amount of spam.

PR are the initials of my pseudonym when I write to strangers, in case you were wondering; I do not advocate public relations.

faux intellectualism

I hate writing papers because you have to be all highfalutin. However, hating the paper doesn't mean you can't love a paragraph:

In my opinion, the best way to resolve the Bournes' power struggle is to have a child, which would delegate Catherine most assuredly as a female and would allow them both to contribute equally as parents. However, Hemingway makes clear that they are not able to have children, and Catherine laments her infertility and blames herself: “I’m a god damned woman. I thought if I’d be a girl and stay a girl I’d have a baby at least. Not even that” (71). Though this paper examines The Garden of Eden through a Jungian lens, Freud believed that the desire for pregnancy replaces a woman’s penis envy. Since Catherine is unable to bear children -- and David even admits he could be at fault -- she manifests a masculine personality and gives birth to it as a permanent aspect of herself.

procrastinating, doncha know

I just sent this message to Bill:

I am loving the xmas songs on the radio. Pretty soon Bono will have to re-record "Do They Know It's Christmastime?" because there won't be snow anywhere -- not just Africa -- because of global warming.

bah humbug

No, that's too strong, 'cause it is my favorite holiday. But all this year's been a busy blur; don't think I have the energy.

Click for the rest.

***
I have to write two papers, then I'm finished with the semester, college, and formal education for good.

Paper the first: In an article criticizing the job of Tom Jenks on editing Ernest Hemingway’s The Garden of Eden, J. K. Peters writes: “Probably the most substantive editorial decision made by Jenks was the elimination of almost all the of the religious overtones and images that are the foundation of the manuscript” (18). However, even without access to Hemingway’s original manuscript, any reader of The Garden of Eden can surely detect religious imagery -- the title itself is one -- and analysis of the novel’s Jungian aspects can further reveal how the novel acts as a modern version of the biblical tale.

Paper the second: Prince Charming writes letters to his sister about his quest to save a foreign royal family from a "sleeping sickness." Turns out Sleeping Beauty is a vampire. Shucks!

money talks; bullshit walks

I've recently been in touch with my former publishing professors -- they're fighting for me in their respective HR departments -- and if there existed a doubt that I wasn't meant for publishing, it's been dismissed with this comment from copyediting prof: "And you gave up a job with APPLE...? Yeah, child, publishing really does need folks like you."

And if there existed a doubt that I wouldn't be an asset to copyediting, that opinion, too, has been dismissed. Please read this post on the nature of electronic "book" publishing. If Bill Walsh, who sometimes explicates math terminology, were dead -- please, non-existent god, don't let that happen for a long time -- he'd be spinning in his grave at this claim:

If people want content for the Kindle [Amazon.com's e-book reader], it costs next to nothing for the publisher to get it to them (save a bit for conversion and electronic repackaging) and whatever consumers are willing to pay can be considered almost 100% profit.

Why did this sentence infuriate me so? Because it's dead wrong. Now, I didn't get instruction in publishing from an ivy-league institution, nor am I a mathematician, but I know wrong information when I see it -- especially when I sat through three classes of profit-and-loss statements.

So I found an Excel sheet of P-and-L homework and uploaded it to Google. I call it Math for Gonzo English Majors. As you can see, the book made about a 5% profit. Even if we were to logically add the percentage of PPB, obviously not an expense in electronic publishing, this book would wind up with just over a 24% profit. Last time I looked, 24% is not "almost 100%."

Because I'm a fair person, I'll even admit that the Plant cost will be lower. In the age of electronic publishing, book jackets don't have to be designed nor will internal design matter. If one includes half the plant costs in the bottom line, then the profit is exactly one-third (.3 repeating, about 33.3%) of Net Sales. Still not "almost 100%."

"But," you astutely argue, "that's just one book. You can't adequately judge corporate profit by one book's performance."

Good point. A quick Google search found this pertinent information, an overall P-and-L statement from O'Reilly in 1994. Again, add up "Profit" and "Printing" and you get 27%. Being generous and adding half the Plant costs, overall profit still comes out to a whopping 33.3%!

Here's how you can get an "almost 100%" profit: self-publish electronically. Your costs will be a domain, bandwith, and the like; hope friends and family you didn't bother asking to edit (developmentally and proofread-wise) your Great American Novel won't mind shelling out for the privilege of reading the next Michael Chabon or Dan Brown -- or sucker a bunch of strangers with spam -- and if the money you make from the site (I'll even let you include profit from ads, not only download sales) is 90% or more than the money you spent (ever generous, I'll not make you count the cost of hardware, software, electricity, or space), then you can come back to me and shove it in my face. I'll abandon the throne of sapient infallibility. Promise.

By the way, all of this is before the government takes its cut. Hmm. Did the "almost 100% profit" originally mean that the publisher gets to keep almost 100% of the bottom line before taxes? Wouldn't it keep all (100%) of it before April 15? Eh, I've already given this theory plenty of chances to make sense; one more try won't make a difference because it's just plain wrong.

happy nondenominational holiday

I'm an atheist who loves the holiday season, which I attribute to living in New York. A decorated tree adorns midtown, a large snowflake hangs above the shopping masses, and department stores go head-to-head with window displays. Overall, a spirit seizes the city, and there's nothing hypocritical if you're swept away with it. And you tell me another acceptable time to sing sacred hymns such as "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

The PC attempt to include all religions is preposterous, though -- especially Judaism, in which Hanukkah is the equivalent to Independence Day. When was the last time you expected presents under your flag and fireworks?

Here's what the local neighborhood Morton Williams-Associated gets right and wrong:

A gingerbread couple argue about who's going to shovel the snow.


Snowmen (circumcised?) are too busy looking at a menorah to notice an advertisement for boneless pork loin. (Not as bad as Chanukah ham, I admit.)


Are those candy canes or elf shoes? Perhaps the woman is a Wicked Witch of a compass point and has just told a checkout girl: "I'll get you, my pretty...after my Social Security comes in."

Inside:

If the bagel case warrants Stars of David, then the Italian bread deserves seals of the Holy See.

saga of shit

Naming it the Dung of the Day, Miss Heather accepted my picture for New York Shitty.

And there's more! The offender has moved bowls for her bowel movements (from the last stall to the first), prompting the Note Maker, finally identified, to make another note:


I literally cannot make this shit up.

sick

BV is horrible. Each moment of infection is like sitting in a puddle. When one finally decides to see a doctor for treatment, no amount of begging will prevent an invasive examination. House would hate a patient like me, one who maintains: "But I researched descriptions of all the crap that can go wrong in that anatomical area, and my symptoms match BV. Can you just prescribe me the antibiotics?"

Too bad the doctor did not accept that I'm smarter than your average bear -- though not smart enough to prevent an infection altogether, obviously, regardless of my regimen of cranberry juice and probiotics -- so I was poked and prodded under fluorescent lights, holding back tears the whole time.

In twenty minutes, the cultures proved my diagnosis was correct, as I've never ridden a tractor in a wet bathing suit. I left with a bottle of metronidazole and was warned not to drink a drop of alcohol. Ha! I learned that lesson the hard way at the October 2005 NFT party.

This antibiotic is pretty notorious for its nauseous taste, which can be likened to sewage. Though half an hour of chewing gum does not completely remove the taste, chocolate milk neutralizes it quickly. Can't pharmacists coat it like a liqui-gel capsule?

***
Speaking of sewage, do you think New York Shitty accepts signs bemoaning human defecation? Look at what greeted the residents of my floor one morning: