Monday, October 27, 2008

I Have Wasted My Life

This unfinished short story from May 2005, found yesterday while perusing the LJ, is inspired by James Wright's "Lying in a Hammock at William Duffy's Farm in Pine Island, Minnesota." It also spurred me to sign up for NaNoWriMo, which I hope will put an end to my self-critque that I have no talent. (Caveat: Re-reading it has brought out the copyeditor, but I'll leave it untouched.)
Lying on a hammock and surrounded by nature and trees, John imagined he lives in a log cabin. His upstate house isn’t a log cabin, but the terrain suggests it should be. He’s enjoying the last days of summer vacation. Pretty soon, he’ll return to the city and to the daily grind, which includes a wife and two kids. Sure, his family is with him upstate, but they keep to themselves; they leave John alone because it’s as much his vacation as it’s theirs.

Excluding July, for the past ten months John’s been taking care of the family, waking up at five every weekday morning and ensuring everyone gets ready and sets out for the dawning new day correctly and on time. You can’t really blame his wife for not helping him; she’s the night owl to his morning lark. Their circadian rhythms might not mesh, but she puts the kids to sleep, and he can’t complain.

Each weekday of the school months begins and ends the same way. His clock radio is set to play Pink Floyd’s “Time.” It’s his favorite band, and the opening audio collage of clocks is enough to grab anyone from the realm of sleep and put the fear of god into them. (John doesn’t believe in god, but that’s another story.) His alarm clock, unlike other people’s, is located on his dresser ten feet away from his bed. To shut off the cacophony of ringing bells, he must rise from the queen-sized bed and walk. Waking his legs in turn wakes his mind; his schedule becomes instinct.

After silencing the alarm, his walk to the bathroom becomes a pirouette; whether he’s wearing boxers or sweat pants, he removes the clothing in a swift movement. He had perfected the dance in his college years, where seconds meant arriving to class on time. Funny, he still needs to arrive to class on time, this time to teach.

He hates following the schedule, but he knows he needs it. He wills his mind into rationalizing his situation: Follow the schedule, and nothing goes wrong. His yearning for spontaneity can come on the weekends and school holidays. Unfortunately, he must keep his wife and kids in mind when using these days to yield to his temptation. Rarely can he call a day his own, but he committed to a family fifteen years ago, when he knelt on one knee with a hidden rock in his hand.

After showering and taking care of other bodily needs, he dresses himself in boxers that no longer advertise beer or promote drug legalization; as he ages, his underwear becomes starker, whiter, and almost too sterile to be underwear. After that comes an undershirt -- he remembers a teacher from high school who never wore an undershirt, whose nipples protruded through the lightweight cotton-poly dress shirt and made him the worst-dressed man on campus for his teaching career. John doesn’t want to repeat that mistake.

In fact, John has something of a reputation to protect in the school where he teaches. He works at a strict Catholic school. He’s lucky that no nuns teach there; the nuns from his Catholic grammar schooling still haunt him in nightmares. He remembers his blistered, bruised hands and the excruciating hours it took him to remover the splinters remaining from beatings of wooden rulers. He was a brilliant student, hence the punishment. He read too much, which caused him to ask too many questions.

His worst beating happened after he asked about reincarnation.

“Half the world’s population believes in reincarnation,” he told Sister Mary Clarence. “How can you be so sure that they’re wrong?”

“Because Jesus said that the eternal soul, when it leaves the body, will remain in heaven with the father until the second coming.”

“How do you know Jesus is right?” John prodded.

“Because he rose from the grave as he predicted.”

“Isn’t the resurrection a type of reincarnation?”

The nun told him to stay after class; she’ll explain the difference of the resurrection to him better because his theological questions were preventing the class from learning the meat of Catholicism.

Instead of explaining what makes resurrection different from reincarnation, Sister Mary Clarence politely asked him to present his hands palm up. She beat him so hard that the blood soaked through his uniform shirt to the elbow.

John puts on his oxford shirt, the kind with a buttoned-down collar to prevent his noose -- his tie -- from loosening. He doesn’t keep his “work” ties at home; they’re in his basement office. (The other faculty wrongly assume “out of sight, out of mind.”) He keeps only three ties in his closet at home, for dress occasions. Conservatively colored and styled -- a solid maroon, a shimmering gray but not silver, and a striped light blue and navy. For work, he wears ties designed by Jerry Garcia. He also has a few extras for public use. Why should a student receive detention for forgetting a tie when he could borrow one from John?

John hates giving kids detention. He comes from Voltaire’s school of thought. They’re a generally good bunch with a few bad apples. John never hesitates giving a detention to those bad apples though, who usually ask for trouble anyway.

During his preparation, his wife has been showering and his kids have gotten dressed in their uniforms. (He hates sending them to Catholic school but cannot afford a secular private one.) When John goes downstairs, his son and daughter are already eating cereal. John Jr. eats Wheaties with milk, thinking they’ll make him a stronger martial artist, while Beth enjoys Cheerios. She doesn’t put milk in her bowl; instead she drinks a gulpful of milk from her glass and then adds a spoonful of Cheerios to her mouth. She swishes the molasses-like concoction like Listerine. It’s a disgusting way to eat a balanced breakfast, but it works for her.

Although one would think his wife needs more time getting ready for the day, one’s wrong. John’s spontaneous and likes choosing his outfit in the morning. Joan, however, meticulously prepares her outfit the night before, down to the last pin and earring. Her routine, like John’s, is rote, but she takes enough time to light a candle whose color corresponds to the day, offering the wax, flame, and a prayer. To whom she does not know.

John drives the children to school and leaves Joan with a kiss. The king of spontaneity does not disappoint; it’s a peck on the cheek if the kids are looking, but it’s a tongue penetration if they aren’t. Kids prevent some passion but not all of it.

John puts the car into gear only after seeing Joan drive away with Sheila, her fellow coworker and car-pooler. Sheila isn’t known as dependable because John has been known to be late for work in order to drive Joan when Sheila’s hangovers prevent her from walking in a straight line, let alone driving a car properly. To this day, Sheila blames her “sick” days on traffic with an alcohol stench exuding from her mouth.

When John arrives to work on a normal day, which means a half-hour to eight after dropping off the kids, he pours a cup of coffee with milk, no sugar. He was never one for sweets and believes bitter coffee is the only coffee; sugar subtracts more from coffee than it adds. Coffee, in John’s world, is also meant to be hot, not scalding, which is why he uses the smallest amount of milk in order to end rising steam.

John doesn’t eat breakfast, per se. If he remembers, he’ll grab a granola bar before leaving.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

self-help

"Ever notice how happy kids don’t write in their diaries very much? They don’t have to. Life’s too fun. Diaries are for when life isn’t fun. They’re for figuring what went wrong."
-- Lesley Arfin


It's true: I stopped writing in the LJ in May after starting a relationship -- my final post documents why the first attempt went horribly wrong -- and return periodically to look up chronology. A month ago, though, I read for the hell of it and cried because the posts from late 2007 focus on my impending state of unemployment after graduation (I'm a failure) and my tendency to be used by men (I'm a slut).¹

The melancholic tone of my writing from a year ago made me realize how skewed online personas are and reminded me of senior year of high school, when I was suspended and labeled as depressed because I wrote candidly and publicly on Xanga about how much I hated my environment both at "home" and in school. Anything I wrote against the school was libel, the admin claimed, no matter how true it was, and what saved me from getting expelled was the depression I was obviously suffering from because I'd complain about "asshole alcoholic sperm donor" when the stress that bastard caused trumped the BS of Briarwood.

Here's the thing: I wasn't depressed. I had an average of over 100, was overweight but without sudden weight loss or gain, and woke up every day at five. Aren't slipping grades, major weight fluctuations, and overall fatigue symptoms of depression? Admittedly I cried a lot and wrote about suicide, but I had a fulfilling part-time job and wanted out of Greenpoint and high school. I remember looking up sublets on Craig's List in the financial district -- I could walk to work! -- and finding one for $600 per month in the summer of 2003 when I seriously considered working full time and dropping out. This pipe dream lacked support, so upon my return to student life I exhibited frustration -- teachers whom I considered friends went behind my back to the guidance department instead of personally telling me their concerns -- and let it out online.

Within six weeks I was suspended, forced to get a mental evaluation, and involuntarily compelled to see a psychiatrist who immediately diagnosed me with ADD. Knowing I was neither depressed nor hyperactive, I didn't speak during our sessions and instead played long songs like "Bohemian Rhapsody," "Hotel California," and "American Pie" in my head.

Fast forward to college: Around the time I broke up with Ex, I found a list of descriptions that perfectly describe my personality. Initially it was a relief to know I wasn't alone, but I later grew upset at the implied predestination.

Let's skip time again to this summer: Having previously glossed over my situation with sperm donor when the topic of family was brought up in conversations with Current and made it known that it's a no-discourse issue, I honestly and completely answered what my childhood was like, citing clear examples of why I despise the bastard, and how I hate my family for its dishonesty.² I expected a reply of: "You're right. That sucks. You're stronger for it," but I manically flew off the handle and don't remember much except the pain I felt when he suggested I see someone. It felt like high school all over again, and I was depressed for over two weeks until my grandmother's death became a distraction.

Why can I pull it together for a wake but not for my relationship? That argument has, for me, become the idiomatic elephant in the room, and for someone who already has trouble with articulation it's made communication even more difficult. I can't tell if I'm inconsiderately remembering something that should be forgotten or ignoring something that should be talked about.³

I've been reading more ACoA sites, and Guess What Normal Is is my favorite because it focuses on autonomy rather than therapy, and I keep reminding myself of this statement:
In a healthy relationship you [...] will not be greeted with a guilt-trip, but with an "Okay, see you later." This will be 'uncomfortable' only because it's new, and different. But, wonderfully beautiful and different.
It's true, and I should stop being suspicious of happiness, regardless of the initial discomfort.

¹ Lainykins hits the nail on the head with: "Please fuck me and make me feel worthwhile."

² From the LJ:
I have never been good in math. When my second-grade class began to learn the times tables, I could perform only the easiest multiplications: those by 2, 5, and 10. I don't think my grades suffered much from not memorizing math; however, asshole alcoholic sperm donor would get these drives, from where I don't know, and he would immediately make me stop what I was doing and yell multiplication tables at me. If I didn't know what 4*9 was, I'd have it screeched in my ear and beaten into me.

I especially remember one time when 60 Seconds had a feature on Goosebumps. I don't know what I was doing, but I heard my mom say: "Should I call in [PR]? She likes these books." The answer was: "I don't care what she's reading. She's gotta learn those damn times tables!"

I still don't have them memorized, or maybe I do after more than a decade of math classes and of shopping. Anyway, I also remember on the same night as the Goosebumps fiasco that I was asked/told: "Do you want fries with that? Are you average? Because you're average if you can't learn this stuff. As long as you can memorize 'Do you want fries with that?' then you'll be made for an average life."

For this and many other reasons, he is, in all senses of the phrase, dead to me.

³ Thanks to my catharsis, this is no longer an issue.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

catcalls

My first clearest memory of public lewdness comes from freshman year of high school. While I was reading on a bench on the deserted platform of 23rd-Ely -- this was before the Court Square G-train exodus became mandatory -- and waiting for a Queens-bound E or F to arrive, a man leaning against a column masturbated. When my head went up to check for a train, I spotted his penis in profile, which I initially ignored until he started grunting. The sound interrupted my reading, and my imagination figured out it's easy to rape someone in a skirt, the article of clothing an unfortunate consequence of attending a Catholic high school. So I walked to the toll booth, told the agent who rolled her eyes, and missed my train. At least the guy was gone by the time I returned.

Luckily, that morning was the only time the inappropriate occasion included nudity. The rest were spoken.

Until I bought Sexy iPod in senior year, the attention continued (hell, it most likely continued with the iPod, but I was oblivious), and I hated the feeling. I was fat, and the catcalls, teases, what-have-yous made me feel even less attractive. The jerks usually commented on my hair, and I usually flipped them the bird. They'd call me a bitch, and I'd ask if they spoke to their mothers with that tongue.

Sadly for the past six months my beloved iPod hasn't been out and about because its battery holds no more than forty minutes' worth of charge, and my bag is full enough with useless items that it doesn't need a brick of an iPod. Having adjusted to a commute without music and grown accustomed to not being bothered in the street, I remained unconscious and unaware.

So, two Saturdays ago I was eating a panini from Greenpoint Finest while walking down Norman Avenue, which turns into Wythe, to Williamsburg. A guy in a van at a stop sign whistled at me, yelling: "Hey, sexy!" Without missing a beat, I turned to him, waved my sandwich in the air, and asserted: "I'm eating a fucking panini! How sexy is that?" In retrospect, I should have added a "fuck you" or the like, but there's only so much you can say while chewing to a man in a momentarily stopped vehicle.

I analyzed the perturbing incident endlessly because I couldn't remember the last time something similar had happened. No longer am I the overweight Catholic-high-school girl in an itchy gray skirt but wore bootleg jeans and a v-necked three-quarter-sleeved shirt. What made me susceptible to a verbal attack? I have tank tops from Old Navy that expose more boobage.

The last time I wore one of those tank tops, I was walking with someone, a man. So it wasn't what I had but what I lacked, a man -- whose presence implies protection. This explanation is probably the most insulting interpretation of the encounter. Hopefully replacing the battery prevents future annoyances without admitting defeat.

Monday, October 06, 2008

weekend antics


Pulaski Parade 25.jpg
Originally uploaded by mytych
Unlike most native Greenpointers, I did not celebrate Pulaski Day last Sunday but attended the Atlantic Antic. The crafts and food on sale appeared much better than what you'd expect at regular, run-of-the-mill street fairs, but the crowds and volume didn't make me fall in love with the annual event. Shall attempt to arrive earlier next year. (The picture on the right is not what I had originally intended to link to; unfortunately this picture does not have a "blog this" option.)

Met Meg and Alex around 2:30 at a bar not far from the Antic action. We talked LSATs and politics over strawberry mojitos -- I stole a few springs of mint to make the tasty beverage later -- explored the new Trader Joe's, and trekked to a neighborhood without a name for monster margaritas. Needless to say, my liver is recovering.

Saturday had a few surprises up its sleeve, because not only did I play a game of poker I swore I wouldn't compete in but I bumped into a Greenpoint celebrity, Bitchcakes, who is as animated as her blogs suggest. (Hope she won the art auction.)

Intuition steered by memories of discomfort from the last Greenpoint poker night prevented my normal enthusiasm. The second-place win did not ameliorate the acute awareness, some say paranoia, that I didn't belong. And if I didn't belong at that game with the usual crowd, then what good would I be with a table sprinkled with strangers?

Similarly, I felt like an interloper at Neil Gaiman's reading at Teachers College. Though I am a hair older then the college-aged audience, our differences could fill a canyon. I took away both an excellent sense of wonder (thank you, Neil) and a lingering weirdness.

The next time alienation persists, I'll bake cookies at its commencement instead of its conclusion. Perhaps the practice will be Hoboken's version of 4 Times Square's cheesecake.